Radiation, Picklines and Bandages. Oh MY!

Mary has been under going radiation since June 25th ( It started on my birthday.... That makes me sad!) I 've been having a lot of thoughts about next year and what the future holds. I'm really confused because I want an answer to the question what is going to happen next summer. Everyone I ask smiles feebly and says God knows what he's doing or they say she'll be fine. Deep down I know this isn't true but I get up everyday and I get out there and enjoy life. Maryn's pickline is really gross. Uggh, I feel sick everytime I see it without the bandage on. She is so brave. Honestly I'm amazed, I am 13 and afraid of needles whenever I have to get a shot or IV I make the victim arm go limp so I don't feel a thing. Still needles make me woozy. I saw pictures of Maryn in radiation it broke my heart. They have a giant mask that they put on her and it looks miserable. God made her very brave. Very very brave.

A little clarification

This is not going to be MY blog. On this blog I will report how I feel about what's going on with Maryn. I will update it when I feel a huge wave of emotion like I did the first two days. I have a blog that I will be posting my music on and another that I will just do the things teenagers do on like talking about school, friends, etc.

It's The End Of The World As We Know It

So I woke up wednesday morning expecting nothing to be wrong and it stayed that way for a while.

I woke up and stayed in bed like a lifeless lump for a while. Swat anyone who came in and told them to go

get a life that didn't involve waking me up. When I finally got up I went downstairs to find no breakfast waiting.

YAY! I got my stuff together and got dressed and ready for the day. When it was just about time to go dad got

very upset with Moriah for putting a blanket over his computer even though she didn't. We drove to grandmas

and after we got there dad left. I went in and made a run for the piano. I stayed there for a long time only taking

breaks to eat and play scat with Moriah and Grandma. After staying there for a very long time I got up and went

to go get some sheet music when I heard grandma crying behind a closed door. I ignored it not knowing what to

think. I printed out the sheet music then went to the piano.

Shortly after she called us in to talk to her. Her eyes were puffy from crying and she spoke between little sobs.

She said that the news wasn't good for Maryn and that she should probably let my mom tell us the news but I couldn't

wait. What is it? I said over and over again until she finally told us that Maryn had a brain tumor. It got really quiet and

Moriah began to cry and so did grandma. This is were it got awkward for me seeing as yeah this stunk but tears

weren't coming for me. I grabbed my bag and followed them out to the car I grabbed a seat in the back and plopped me

and my bag down on it. They both kept on crying and I still didn't cry I felt angry with God though and there were

a million questions going through my mind. Why God? She's three for Pete's Sake? She hasn't even begun to

experience life! I practically mind screamed at God and what did I get back from him you ask? Some kind of miraculous

vision with all the answers. No. I got to sit there in the backseat listening to the leadsinger from Flyleaf scream about how

she was so sick.

When we were nearing the hospital I asked grandma if she thought I was selfish because of how I just sat there

mouthing the words to my songs. She said no but, I sure felt weird. She said everyone has different coping methods.

At this point I put my headphones back in and listened to one of my favorite songs called City.

I mouthed the words and felt the need to sing but I knew I couldn't not in the car. When we arrived at the hospital my dad

waited outside and told us that we needed to be strong for mom. I looked up at him so he could see I hadn't been crying

then let him lead us inside to the MRI part of the hospital.

We were lead through many doors that warned us about high magnetic fields and I immediately worried about my

laptop and ipod which made me feel even more selfish. When we entered Maryn's room she was unconscious on a

hospital bed with an IV thingy in her which told me she had been through the same traumatic experience as me. The IV

scared the heck out of me when I got it so and that was when I was nine so I knew it must have been horrible for her.

This is when I saw my mom flipping out. I gave her a hug and noticed that she had been crying and breaking out in cold

sweats like crazy. I felt really bad for her. The doctor came in and I got to see the MRI pictures. This is when I began to understand.

The tumor was HUGE compared to Maryn's tiny 3 year old brain. It was located smack in the middle of the brain stem

too. The doctor explained to me how the whole thing was a tumor and it had been growing for a while. I knew what was going on

it made sense now. A malignant cell in her brain went crazy and started to multiply over and over again

creating a big ball of BAD cells. It pushed up against her nerves and mad her act weird which explained her "Anger Management Issues"

as I had called them. The doctor also told me that it was inoperable because of how it was pushed up against the nerves and

it was right in the middle of the brain.

So we walked back to Maryn's room where I started to cry but as usually I just teared nothing else. I rocked back and forth in the chair

watching her slowly wake up.

My last night before I knew

Following my mom's example I am setting up a blog but, rather then it being dedicated to my sister I am telling life from my perspective. Each tear that was shed and every thought that went through my mind. It all started June 17, 2009, my little sister was taken in to receive an MRI. I thought everyone was overreacting and that nothing was wrong with her. I guess deep down I really knew what was coming but I was in denial. My dad told me he thought that Maryn had a brain tumor but, I refused to believe him.

So Tuesday the day before the MRI my mom and I set off toward the meeting point where I would climb into my dads car and endure the long journey home to his house. We met at a Starbucks where I spent my last 5 dollars on a Vanilla Bean Frappucino while my mom took Maryn potty. I took my frozen treat from the man behind the counter and left the shop. I got into my moms car right as my dad pulled up. Great! I climbed out of the car grabbed my items and skipped over to my dads land rover. Right then guess who called? None other then Moriah requesting that she be picked up from her friends and brought home immediately, my mom told her that she would have to go to my dads so we began another journey to a far off place where Moriah would be waiting. Yeah great..

After about 5 minutes of being in the car with nothing to entertain me but my ipod I began to tell my dad that we didn't need to get Moriah and that by the time we got there she'd probably just want to stay at her friends. My dad agreed but he didn't turn around saying that Moriah could hold a grudge against him for a while. When we arrived at her friends I attempted to get out of the car and give my mom (who had been leading us to Moriah) a hug. My dad grunted and I could tell he was not in the best of moods. I got out of the car anyway and told my mom that dad was being grumpy. I scurried back to the car and and looked at Moriah who was sitting in the back. She glared at me so I hissed at her like a cat. This got me one of the classic Moriah moves the " I'm going to sit back here and pout until dad asks what's wrong and you get in trouble". Well yeah that's great for her and all but I knew dad was not having that tonight. He began to tell us about how he had been up since, like, 3 in the morning and how he just wanted to get home. Yeah , Dad we all want to get home. The tone and infliction in his voice sent Moriah deeper in put mode causing her to shoot me another glare. Geez, those things scare me. Seriously, the looks she gives me sometimes are like "Shut up or die" glares. So after about 5 minutes of silence I picked up my ipod and listened to Legally Blonde the Musical. At this point dad got over his grumpiness and attempted to cheer Moriah up by putting on Radio Disney. I Hate Radio Disney with a passion so I turned my music up past my normal limit. ANYTHING to drown out the sounds of Hannah Montana.

The last 5 minutes on the way up to his house dad gave us the lowdown on what would happen tomorrow. He'd wake us up, we'd get ready then we'd go to grandmas. I couldn't have been more thrilled. Grandma has an upright piano for me to play and a printer for me to print sheet music on. Moriah was just like yeah.... Whatever she was NOT bringing me down.

So we pulled up in the driveway and I grabbed my stuff and took it inside. Normally I would've pranced right on upstairs but Wanissa was eating a strange looking fish so I just HAD to find out what it was. Yeah, Morbid curiosity. Turns out it was tilapia but it wasn't filleted or anything it still looked like a fish. EWWW........

Upstairs I put all my stuff in the corner and went to bed. Excited for tomorrow but totally oblivious to what would happen then.